barely
still alive but not sure why i hold on anymore. it has consumed me and i can’t help it anymore. someone can tell that bitch of a ex that she is still a whore (not becuase i have proof that she has slept around but for the fact of what she does to guys and thinks its ok) and i never said she was sleeping around with her cousin i asked who he was and she jumped to the conclusion that i though she was sleeping with him. but if she was that quick to go there then she was probably doing something that she wasn’t suppost to. she started fights with me then blamed me for the fights when i don’t wanna fight. but you can tell her she was right about one thing. i will never find someone i can date. love isn’t enough, money isn’t enough, education isn’t enough, nothing is enough for women today. I have a good job, and going to school, and i am that incredably nice guy who would do anything for the girl i’m with.
so to clear up some stuff…
for anyone that is wondering i wanna clear the air a little bit. First and for most people ask me what’s wrong with me why do i go on such rants. I believe honesty is the best policy. I started dateing this girl back in december and right after we started i found out i was getting laid off from work. She stuck around through the holidays and then right after new years she broke it off with me because she said “she was having feelings for me”. It drove me nuts because of the fact that usually when you have feelings for someone you don’t try to push them away. so then it became this things where she would wanna be with me, would come over and sleep with me but didn’t want a relationship. Valentines day came around and she wanted to write each other letters about how we felt toward one another so if we ever faught or anything we could read it and remind ourself of how the other person felt. This past month she told me she loved me and wanted to be with me, the next day she said love wasn’t enough to be with me, then she tells me she dosen’t want a relationship but this is a girl who only has hung out with a guy if she likes him. so she cancels with me to hang out with another guy. I had it and then on easter she wanted to tell me she missed me and didn’t wanna lose me because it scared her to lose me, she came over on monday, we did the relationship stuff and then she left. two days later she is telling me she can’t have a relationship and on easter i asked her to not even see me if she wasn’t serious. and she did it the worst way possiable being a bitch about it acting like i did something wrong to make her this way. so i get pissed and say some things. i’m not sorry for what i have said to her because she dosnen’t see a problem with playing with someones feelings and never says she sorry when she is wrong. She is a a decent person but the mind games had to stop because i was actually considering killing myself because of it. I didn’t but the pain is still there and it’s not pain from not having her love it’s pain of not having her friendship because we have been talking for over a year now. maybe i’m not able to have a decent relationship with someone but i want one.
The other reason i think the way i do is because i have always wanted the best. By now in my life I wanted a Girlfriend who was pretty, smart, had a job, car, and who i could trust. I also wanted to have a career by now and be done with school, have lots of friends, be playing in a band, and have a place of my own. Well a few years ago i had pretty much all that. I was dating a girl named rachel with two kids, i had a job which i was great at and had room for advancement, i had a car and a place of my own, i did have to drop out of school because i needed to work more which i’m not happy about. Basically i felt like a superhero because i was doing so well. Rachel left me for another guy, i was recently laid off from my job because the company downsized(I do have another job now tho), and I had to leave my apartment to help my grandmother. Oh yeah and the friends thing i don’t have many good friends. I spend too much time working that none of my friends that were good friends stuck around. so i will be makeing a new tumblr because i don’t wanna bore people with my life, i started this mainly so i could vent. if anyone wants to get ahold of me my cell will be the best way and if you read through all of this you must care at least a little bit. Thank you everyone.
Today
I don’t feel healthy. I am actually worried for my life. I’m looking into someone to talk to because after what I did today I know I need help. I have lost someone who I lived both as a friend and as a lover and its because she is fucking crazy. I just don’t know why it hurt so bad. On top of that I lost my band. I really wondering if ill make it through the day tomorrow. I know she can’t see this but why still play a game with someone when they ask you not to. I told you you hurt ne the last time and yet you still did it. You tell someone who loves you that you love them and because of that you can’t be with them. You say love isn’t enough. But you was afride to lose me. And now you did and you don’t give a shit that shows it was just a game to you. Now I sit here afride I’m gonna hurt myself because if I see you in public I’m not sure what ill do. You did all this with your actions and words and why you all of a sudden became a bitch I don’t know. And then you post things about happy couples on your tumblr and i really wonder what gives you the right. I gave you everything you wanted and you treated me like shit. You will never be in a happy healthy relationship because you could of had it and you shit all over it time and time again.
